Jesse Daikan McKinney is an author, columnist for Webb Weekly, NSCA Certified Personal Trainer, and champion wheelchair bodybuilder. Despite having Cerebral Palsy, he earned his bachelor's degree from Penn State University and married in 1991 just before graduating. In 1998 Jesse and his wife, Chris, became the proud parents of their daughter, Kyla, who is now 6 years old. His first published book, A Mind On Wheels: The Inner Journey, and all of his inspiring columns he types using a headpointer and a computer keyboard with a key guard. It takes Jesse hours to complete just one page of text, but his work is truly inspiring and hard to put down once you start reading.

Synopsis

A Mind on Wheels: The Inner Journey is an inspiring voyage inside the unique life and mind of a unique individual. Semi-autobiographical in nature, the book is full of insights into how to turn the garbage of life into fertilizer for mental and spiritual growth. Within the humorous stories like the one about Jesse trying to retrieve a dropped bottle of milk for his newborn daughter, one finds deeper lessons of patience and ingenuity that come from a life of having to make do despite great limitations. This is not a "look at me" type of inspirational work, but instead it turns the reader's focus back to themselves to find the positive, inspiring, and happiness in their own lives.
Contact the author by e-mail

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Chapter One
Cerebral Palsy Zen

Everyday I awaken with a body that does what it pleases instead of what my mind wishes it to do. My arms and legs do move but not always where or how I would like them to move. As I mentioned earlier, this condition resembles being physically drunk without the mental euphoria that drinking creates. Some may think that this is a horrible life to live because I can not take myself to the restroom, feed myself, or do many other basic tasks that non-disabled people can do. Of course, life with Cerebral Palsy (CP) is far from an enjoyable experience, but at the same time it is rarely horrible. Unless I start feeling self pity and make it into something horrible.
I have CP and know no other way of being. Cerebral Palsy is simply a manifested phenomenon. It is essentially no different from any other phenomenon that occurs in the universe. Does the universe have any concept of positive and negative? If it did the world would be quite a different place. Those who make judgments about my disability, either good or bad, are making comparisons based upon preconceived notions of what is Cerebral Palsy and what is not. To illustrate my point, my baby daughter has no concept of what CP is. Her mind is completely free of any judgments. To her, I'm just "Da-Da" and there is nothing abnormal about my condition.
Many have asked me if I wanted to be healed of my disability or to be able to walk. I can not calculate the number of faith healers who have slapped their hand on my forehead and exclaimed "Be healed!". Much to their disappointment my body never miraculously leaped from my wheelchair and started dancing. Although this would be nice, I doubt that the universe has such insignificant concerns like whether I ever get up and do the Mamba. Nature has far more profound ideas of emancipation than this. If you have ever just sat quietly at dawn watching the sunrise or by the ocean just listening to the waves come and go, you would naturally know what I mean. It defies explanation.
Most people who have never been disabled think that anyone who is unable to walk has a burning desire to do so. Granted some people who have disabilities are greatly dissatisfied with their physical limitations. Nevertheless, my perspective is as follows... What good is walking if your mind is absorbed in delusion? Scores of people walk through life suffering from dozens of self-created mental/emotional afflictions. They erroneously believe that someone or something outside of themselves is causing their suffering. My disability is my life and not the cause of my suffering. The sufferings I experience are mainly due to negative emotions that arise as a result of how I perceive my situation and not the disability itself. Cerebral Palsy is also an incredible teacher to myself and others. So why would I desire to change it? To me, having CP is nothing unusual.
Yet, I do appreciate those who have genuine compassion towards me. Compassion is an essential ingredient necessary for completing the human spirit. Without it, we become cold and indifferent towards others. For this reason, I am grateful when others show their true compassion upon meeting me. Unwarranted pity, on the other hand, simply arouses my own pity for the one showing it due to their lack of proper understanding. If they could only see inside my mind, they would realize that such pity is unfounded.
My perception of my own particular life determines how I live it. I have the choice of either living a happy life with my wife and daughter or living in an institution. It all depends on my perception of my disability and life in general. Having CP gives me the authority to write a book like this that discusses subjects related to life with a disability that a non-disabled person could not discuss in the same manner. Hence, for me Cerebral Palsy is an asset rather than a detriment. If I were not disabled, this book would not speak to others' hearts as effectively as it does. This is not due primarily to others having pity on me. It is because many can relate to someone who truly knows the meaning of suffering better than someone who just talks about it.
Many of us tend to have distorted views due to our perception of ourselves and various situations. We hold erroneous views of others and the circumstances in which we find ourselves. These false perceptions in turn lead to things like anger, hatred, and violence. We often think of violence in association with wars or crime. However, violence has many subtle forms that can erupt from seemingly insignificant seeds within our minds. Frustration is one seed that often tries to germinate and grow within my mind. Not allowing it to do so through the practice of mindfulness (just being aware of and present with whatever arises) frees me from both physical and mental suffering. Henceforth, I do not dwell within a self-created hell nor an unrealistic fantasy but rather in my life just as it is. Accepting on equal terms both the positive and negative sides of life are one of the keys to self-emancipation. Considering this, the master of my life is my own mind.
Becoming angry over my inability to do certain tasks could rule my life if I let it. Still, frustration does sneak into my life sometimes. Especially when my personal care attendants do not show up for work. These are the people whose job is to get me up, to the toilet, showered, dressed, and fed everyday. I am very grateful for their presence and assistance. Without them, life is a hundred times more difficult for me. When they can not come, my wife Chris, who is also disabled, must help me struggle from the bed to the wheelchair and then do everything else I need done in order to simply function. It is quite difficult, and with a new baby to care for on top of everything else, things become overwhelming quickly. Our patience and love for each other gets stretched to the limit during these difficult times.
At such times, it is easy to let our frustration take over and start yelling at each other. I sometimes do get angry and scold Chris. However, when this occurs, even though it is very difficult to do so, I try to look within my thoughts and find the root of my anger. Upon doing so, I find that my anger is often due to the perception I have of the particular difficulty or situation and not the fault of my wife. Analyzing it further, being angry at the situation is useless as well. What good is anger? It only arises as the result of pride and causes increased suffering. The best solution is to examine this pride, detach from it, and use wisdom to overcome the matters at hand. So I try (notice the key word 'try') to put aside the anger and dig deep within myself to find the root of my pride which is the source of anger. This does not mean that my wife and I never lose our tempers and act foolishly on occasion. However, we understand this foolishness to be the result of a temporary state of mind and gradually, thanks to practice, we can let it pass on its own.
The mind has a multitude of emotional and psychological states which arise and cease at any given moment. These states change constantly as the result of external stimuli or internal transformations. As humans, we possess the power to recognize our own thoughts and decide whether or not to act upon them. Hence, we can use this ability to our advantage. When negative emotions arise in the mind, noticing them immediately helps to prevent them from leading to negative actions. It takes years of tireless practice to achieve even slight proficiency at recognizing and transforming one's thoughts and actions. Some may confuse this practice with emotional suppression. However, this practice involves transforming negative thoughts and emotions into positive ones by altering our perspective of and getting in touch with these various emotions instead of denying our feelings. To be deeply in touch with our feelings means being intimately aware of them without getting carried away by them.
Thus far, the discussion has been limited to the emotion of anger. However, we can use the above technique to find the cause of other mental states as well. Fear, depression, jealousy, and grief are other emotions that we can deal with more effectively through practicing mindfulness. Emotions are extremely powerful in determining our behavior. Therefore, it is vitally important to understand how they arise and avoid getting sucked into the downward spiral that they lead to. I will elaborate more on how to avoid this in a later chapter.
The above theory can only be proven if it is put into practice. Therefore, test it out to see if it actually works in daily life. It is easy to theorize about all these wonderful methods of dealing with our difficulties. However, practicing these methods is the biggest challenge and takes incredible determination and persistence in order to succeed. Everyday life is a constant succession of battles that we must fight on a daily basis. Each day presents new situations to deal with and endless opportunities to improve ourselves spiritually. Cerebral Palsy Zen involves living each day with CP as it is through deep awareness and clarity of mind. With such awareness the wonder of life becomes crystal clear.

Chapter Two
Cherishing Life

Of all the gifts that one can give or receive, the gift of life is the most precious of all. To be alive is an incredible miracle that we still fail to completely understand. Most of the time we just put this gift aside never opening it up to reveal the many wonders that dwell within it. Most of us tend to focus on complaining about what is wrong with our lives instead of what is going right. Then life becomes a dark and dismal burden rather than the great blessing that it is. Not only is our own life a precious gift, but every life that exists is an irreplaceable treasure. This chapter contains my ideas on how to turn the stinky rotting compost of life into beautiful flowers. Also mentioned are methods of appreciating both the compost and the flowers of life and how to cherish the lives of our fellow inhabitants of the planet.
I spent six years earning a bachelor's degree in Horticulture from the Pennsylvania State University. After setting aside all the chemistry, biology, and physics, the secret to growing a beautiful flower garden is simple. It requires three basic elements: water, sunshine, and the most well rotted compost or manure that you can find. The more the compost or manure stinks, the more beautiful the flowers will bloom. Of course, no one to my knowledge has ever formally researched the correlation between stench and growth. Nevertheless, this phenomenon seems to exist.
We can also use this correlation to make an analogy about life. The more difficult or trying our life is, the more chance we have to grow and blossom. Difficulties are like compost in that they can help us to become stronger and more beautiful on the inside if we see them as opportunities instead of shunning them. In no way is this easy to do, but neither is living with frustration, anger, and depression. Hard times can distort our perception making us angry and bitter if we view them negatively. The following story is about one frustrating evening I had shortly after the birth of my daughter Kyla. It describes how a minor mishap can turn into a extremely frustrating experience and how I used this experience to gain more positive insight.
One evening the attendant who usually comes at night to help us with the baby did not show up for work. This left Chris and I to fend for ourselves in caring for Kyla. It was nothing new since we have dealt with this situation many times in the past. Soon it was time for Kyla's feeding and Chris promptly started breast feeding to settle her while I went to get a bottle from the refrigerator. Upon reaching the refrigerator, I opened the door and clumsily grabbed a bottle by the nipple because my fingers can not grasp round objects like bottles. It was intended to land on my lap but instead the bottle fell on the floor. Due to the shape and temperature of the nipple it was slippery and I could not grip it to pick it up. Forty-five minutes later I was still trying to get this darn bottle! Finally, an idea popped into my head. Lay a plastic bag on the floor, roll the bottle into it, and then pick up the bag. It worked! So I washed the bottle in scalding hot water and took it in to Chris. She was not thrilled with the long wait but understood after listening to what happened.
What if instead of devising a way to pick up the bottle, I had allowed my frustration to take over? I would have given up and Chris would have had to put on all her braces and walk out to the kitchen. This is a great ordeal for her and I would have felt bad on top of being frustrated. Of course, it was difficult not to get angry and just quit trying. I was quite tired of chasing a bottle around the kitchen for nearly an hour. However, there was little choice in the matter. It just had to be done and there was nobody else around to help do it.
The above incident forced me to make the decision whether or not to retrieve the bottle. Of course, not picking it up would have been much easier than spending so much time and energy on the endeavor. Nevertheless, the experience became beneficial to me immediately once I altered my perspective of it. Becoming frustrated over difficult circumstances tends to increase the difficulty and suffering connected with the circumstances. When frustration or despair arises in the mind, negative thoughts run rampant leading to bitterness and other dark emotions. This process, if allowed to continue, quickly becomes a downward spiral that ultimately ends in self-destruction. Thousands of people attempt suicide or seek an escape via drugs or alcohol simply because they view their situation as hopeless and their minds can find no other way out.
How do we prevent this terrible trail of events from happening? How does one turn the manure of life into flowers? As a Horticulture student at Penn State, I had to analyze all sorts of manure to see which type had enough Nitrogen, Phosphorous, and Potassium to make certain crops grow. In relation to turning our difficulties in everyday life into growing experiences, we must first analyze a particular difficulty to find out why it is unappealing to us. What do we not like about the situation? Once we know this, we can use this knowledge to figure out how to deal with our feelings in a more effective manner. It is like when a baby cries. The key to stopping the crying is to find out the cause of the crying.
I personally find the difficulties in my life highly undesirable and do not expect anyone else to start enjoying the ugly side of life either. My point is that with time and effort learning to appreciate equally both the good and the bad in life is constructive rather than destructive. In difficult times, reflecting upon what can be gained or learned from such experiences is spiritually beneficial. During good times is when cherishing and celebrating life becomes essential to promoting joy within our hearts. How can one be joyful if one can not appreciate the positive side of life? There is so much to be grateful for in life. I once knew a boy who could only move his head. His condition made mine look like a walk in the park! Therefore, I gained a deeper appreciation for my own life. Once this appreciation for my own life became well established, I could move on to cherishing the lives of others.
Cherishing the lives of others requires two things, compassion and wisdom. In order to appreciate and care for another person, a feeling of empathy must arise in the one who wishes to care for that person. This means putting oneself in another's shoes enabling one to share in their feelings and/or suffering. This is the basis of compassion. Once compassion arises, loving kindness automatically follows. However, compassion and loving kindness are not enough to truly understand and cherish the life of another person. Wisdom is also a necessary component.
What does it mean to be wise and how does wisdom relate to appreciating life? Wisdom means having true experiential understanding of something as opposed to just intellectual knowledge. For instance, doctors may have vast amounts of knowledge about my disability. However, only those who actually have Cerebral Palsy truly understand the meaning of living with it. Similarly, those who truly understand the meaning of their own life can better understand the lives of others. It is only possible to obtain this type of true understanding by cultivating insight. Insight is the actual realization of something that in turn becomes manifested as wisdom. An example of insight is realizing the interconnectedness of all living things. All life forms are dependent upon other factors like air, water, minerals, and other life forms for survival.
Upon gaining insight as to the wonder and interdependence of life itself, our appreciation and perspective of it grows broader and deeper. Once I was watering my garden and I watched a bumblebee busily pollinating the roses. What a marvelous creature a bumblebee is. The amount of complexity and detail contained within this tiny living being is staggering. It knows exactly where to go and how to reach the nectar inside of dozens of different varieties of flowers. If this is not enough to heighten your appreciation of bees, without them we would suffer a great economic disaster because they are the chief pollinators of major agricultural crops. If there were no bees, there would be little cotton, alfalfa, fruits, or vegetables because these crops require pollination in order to produce. Knowing this we can increase our respect for bees and live in harmony with them instead of killing them just because they annoy us.
Broadening this concept of cherishing life even more leads to the development of respect for all living things. All life on Earth is an amazing creation of nature. Even the simplest forms of life are so complex that to reproduce them molecule by molecule would be virtually impossible. We can reproduce one-celled organisms easily if we already have a preexisting cell. However, creating a living cell from nonliving components is an incredibly daunting task. If even one tiny cell is so complex, imagine the complexity of an entire organism! Every living creature, from a tiny gnat to a gigantic blue whale, is intricately designed and has an inborn right to exist on Earth just by existing. To harm or kill any creature out of malice, hatred, enjoyment, or for profit displays a lack of wisdom as well as compassion.
This is why when driving my power wheelchair down the sidewalk I try to avoid running over the ants that scurry across the concrete in the spring and summer. They have their purpose in the universe just as I do. The idea to keep in mind is to avoid killing when we have the choice. Nonetheless, when we have no choice, as in eating even a vegetarian meal, giving thanks and offering compassion in exchange for the life that died on our behalf is still beneficial to life. When we do this, it nurtures our compassion and we eat only what is necessary instead of simply what tastes good.
Of course, no one can exist without killing or contributing to the death of some form of life. Life thrives upon death. Even eating vegetables is destroying plant life. Hence, the logical solution is not to destroy life with hatred, for vanity, profit, or pride (as in hunting or wearing furs), or with the sole intent of causing harm to a living thing. The important thing to consider is the necessity of taking a life. Is it truly necessary to wear that mink coat or eat a ten-ounce steak? Unless you live in the Arctic and depend on meat and fur to survive, such things are rarely requirements for survival in modern times. We indulge in them simply for the pleasure that they provide us. Yet, we fail to realize how temporary such pleasures are. Fur coats and T-bones come and go. So the pleasures they bring are also impermanent.
Sometimes, however, killing certain creatures becomes necessary under special circumstances. For example, my father lives in the mountains of western North Carolina. His property is so rustic that it is infested with poisonous snakes. In order to protect uneducated visitors and children who walk blindly into dangerous areas, dad shoots the snakes in order to protect these people from serious injury or death. Nonetheless, he knows the value of not killing all of the snakes because they also help keep the rodent population in check. So, this respect for the balance of nature enables my father to live in harmony with it and with life in general.
Some may think that dodging ants with my wheelchair on the sidewalk to avoid harming them is taking my respect for life too far. This may be true on one level if you view it from a limited perspective. However, consider this. If we can have compassion for even a tiny ant imagine how our compassion increases for our fellow human beings. Many have what I call restricted compassion. They only love or cherish those closest to them. This is a natural human tendency but it is highly restricted and confined to a narrow set of ideas. On the other hand, universal love is broad and all encompassing leading to an exalted conscience.
To cherish our life may be difficult especially during times of hardship or depression. Yet, in order for a beautiful garden to grow, there must be not only sunshine and water but also adequate compost and manure. Gradually learning to accept both the flowers and manure of life on equal terms is truly living and cherishing life. Upon gaining appreciation of our own life, it then becomes possible to appreciate the lives of others. All living beings are incredibly complex and beautiful manifestations of nature that have an inborn right to exist. Although we must destroy life in order to live, we need not kill for selfish or unnecessary reasons. This practice requires our conscience to become broad and expansive. With this heightened conscience, the world becomes a better place to live for us and our children because peace and harmony begin with respect and compassion for one and all.


Chapter Three
Becoming Fearless

When I was just two years old my mother and biological father divorced after six years of marriage. For nearly seven years afterwards, my mother raised me on her own. Then she met Craig, a middle aged Irishman who worked as a bartender at a small pub just outside of Ocean City, New Jersey called Jesse's Tavern. Our family, realizing that Craig's parents had substantial financial resources, convinced my mother that I needed a father figure and that he would be a good provider for us. Thus, it was not long before they were married and we moved to Greenville, South Carolina. By this time, Craig had already legally adopted me. At eight years old, I had little understanding of what this really meant and had no idea that life was about to become a living nightmare.
The first two or three years with Craig were happy ones. My new stepfather was kind and loving to both my mother and me. Life was good in our beautiful home on Saluda Lake in Greenville. Gradually, however, things began to change drastically. Craig started to become both mentally and physically abusive towards us and began drinking heavily. This only worsened his violent tendencies. I became his target for humiliation when my mother was out of the house. Every time she left me alone with him he would use my fear of water to threaten to bathe me in a tub which was deeply filled. He also mocked how I ate by imitating my uncontrolled facial movements and made me struggle to chew with my mouth closed because he thought that my manner of chewing was disgusting. The abuse toward my mother took the form of rape as well as verbal batterings.
I was deathly afraid and dreaded being alone with this unpredictable drunkard. As a scrawny disabled kid, it was easy for him to frighten me and have complete control over my life. Fear kept me from standing up for myself and gave him complete authority. The abuse became so unbearable for both of us that my mother finally sought a divorce and we moved to Rhode Island along with my great aunt Laura who was living with us at the time. I have never seen Craig since we left Greenville and have since established a wonderful relationship with my true biological father. Craig, unfortunately never knew what it meant to be a father. He was simply the victim of the abuse from his own alcoholic father, which is what lead him to behave in a similar manner. Realizing this has enabled me to come to terms with and gradually settle my anger and hatred toward him. It took me years to begin this process which required gaining a deeper understanding of what caused him to become abusive in the first place.
While we were still living with Craig I vowed never to let anyone abuse me like he did again. Since then I have learned to recognize and confront my fears through mental training and deep introspection. To really overcome fear, mental training is essential. My personal preference is practicing sitting meditation as a method of gaining more awareness of my mental landscape. Simply sitting still and quietly noticing the thoughts, emotions, and feelings that arise in the mind is a wonderfully effective means of understanding oneself. Fear is a state of mind that arises like any other mental state. All mental states or formations have a cause and finding their cause is the first step in dealing with them effectively. The cause of my fear as a child was the feeling of utter helplessness and lack of control in my life. There was little that I could do for myself and I lacked the wisdom to understand my fear and how to overcome it. Now that I am older and understand through long practice and study how fear works, it has much less impact on my life. I am still rather helpless physically, but understanding this enables me to deepen my appreciation instead of my fear.
Fear thrives on ignorance. The type of ignorance referred to here means "not knowing" or "lacking in understanding". It in no way implies stupidity. Remember when you were a child and the monster under the bed or in the closet had you too terrified to get up to investigate the situation? It was not stupidity that kept you quivering under the covers. It was that you did not know that the monsters that made you so afraid were just creations of your own imagination. The lack of understanding as to the nonexistence of monsters caused you to believe in them, which in turn caused your unnecessary fear. Of course, this example is rather simplistic and does not explain how to overcome the fears experienced in our adult life. Therefore, a discussion of this matter is in order.
Most mature adults have as many fears as children do. We just tend to let our egos shove them into our subconscious where they stay until something that arouses our fear forces them to the surface of our minds. When this happens, we express our fear and then due to society's negative perception of fear we feel ashamed. As a result, we then try to suppress the fear even more which only increases our anxiety. This is not a beneficial practice at all. It is like burying weeds in shallow soil to try to smother them. It just will not work! If you want to get rid of a bad weed you must pull it out by the roots.
Likewise, in order to truly come to terms with or free oneself of a particular fear, the key is to grab it by the source and pull it out completely to prevent it from emerging again. How does one do this in actuality? Most people think that just confronting what we fear head on is the best way to irradicate the problem. For example, they say that those afraid to swim should just jump in the water. Although this is a good way to become aware of fear, it does not reach deep enough to truly ======== it. Gaining awareness is only the first step in managing fear. Once you are aware that fear is present within you, finding the cause of it becomes possible. Upon discovering this cause, a further analysis of the cause will lead to a deeper understanding of oneself. At this point, you may find that the reasons for the fear are unwarranted and thus you can gain freedom from it.
In my case, I was afraid of total darkness for years. Locking myself in a pitch-black closet did not reduce my fear because I knew that I was safe and had no reason to be afraid. My fear of darkness stemmed from not being able to tell where I was in relation to anything else. It was again a feeling of insecurity and vulnerability similar to what I felt toward my stepfather. Therefore, I had to reach deep within myself by doing sitting meditation and pull out these ugly feelings in order to observe them closely and overcome my fear of the dark. Sitting quietly just being the fear itself without judging it or separating myself from it is what allowed me to become deeply aware of it. This in turn gradually enabled me to see my fear clearly and accept it fully. Once this acceptance became mature, there was no longer any reason to fight against the fear which is what gave it power to rule my mind initially. Now, when I find myself in total darkness, I know the exact moment when fear arises within my mind. Although the fear still comes up, it no longer has a grip on my mind. Consequently, I am free from this fear.
Yet, when deep fear arises within us, it is easy to become completely consumed by it and then panic can set in. When we panic our mind becomes bound in chains of blindness and we fail to see things clearly. So instead of dealing with the situation effectively, we make it worse by allowing our fear to take over. I am guilty of this when it comes to wasps and hornets. Every time a hornet flies too close to me I start to panic due to a remaining childhood fear I have of them. This panicking only agitates the hornet and makes it want to sting me more. Consequently, I am trying to study hornets and again look deep within my mind to find out why I have this fear so it can be overcome. However, this is going to take me many years of earnest practice to even begin to do this. All I can do is my best.
Realizing the cause of fear through deep self-awareness enables us to deal with fear constructively as opposed to destructively. To have fears or insecurities is no reason for shame. On the contrary, those who can honestly face the inner world of their own fears are truly the bravest of all. The dark images that we keep hidden deep within our subconscious minds will continue haunting us until the barrier between ourselves and our fears is knocked down. Becoming fearless does not mean being completely without fear. It means being acquainted with fear and preventing it from ruling our life. Only through cultivating a deep inner awareness can we sever the heavy chains of fear and become totally free from its terrible effects.

Contact the author by e-mail

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